on terrorism

while i have lived through a great deal of personal tragedy and loss, i believe the saddest moment of my life was 9-11.  in one fell swoop, i lost not only a profound measure of my remaining sense of personal safety, but the entire society and range of values i'd been raised to believe in; freedom, the protection of the bill of rights, and any remaining social cohesion that survived the cold war, and eventually, the good will of the entire world.

i'm not good with people.  well, i am, but, only because i hide my true inner nature and become a channel for a love that is greater than myself.  people don't understand me, and people fear what they don't understand, and what they fear they judge and attack.  i am too vulnerable, too honest, too introverted, and too able to accept paradox.  i am adamant about my values, yet unwilling to impose them on anyone else (or have them imposed on me).  therefore i find myself constantly on the fringes of society and my own person is divided.  there is the part of me that craves acceptance, the part of me that accepts i will never get it.  so when i'm around people, rather than display any part of my private personhood, i display that part of me that meets on common ground with the collective and offer as much love and attention as i can.  the love and attention is real and comes from a deep place.  however, i am unable to reveal my vulnerabilities, or relax and "be myself" (because inevitably i say or do something that triggers an attack, and i simply do not know how to defend myself in a socially appropriate manner).  as a result being around people is exhausting.  rewarding on some levels, but exhausting.   let's be clear, i am not blaming anyone but myself.  i see what other people have, i just accept i am structured differently.  i am damaged goods.

why am i saying i'm not good with - well, around - other people, why does that matter?  because their good will still matters to me.  while i am willing and to some extent able to accept that i myself do not qualify for social acceptance, i still care about how people get along in the world around me and how i effect them, how we effect each other.  so the part of human nature that most outrages me, even as i "get" it (i see it within myself), is that part which is judgmental, sadistic, power-hungry.  i see how this part of our nature causes injury and pain to the innocent (and yes, i see it because i've been through it).  i see how we fail in our responsibility - our response ability - to each other.  we fail at the level of simple compassion every single day.  no, we will never be perfect at it, i'm not expecting that.  but we are killing ourselves and each other, particularly by not recognizing our innate connection to everyone all the time.  noone is less than or more than anyone else, no matter how far outside the grace of a god or society they fall.  everyone is complex.  no excuses.  just a significant part of what i see as our reality which i also see as a major cause of human suffering, which pains me greatly.

the bill of rights was a crucial social contract which created an environment in which such compassion could exist.  a contract which has been habitually broken since it's conception, but it still existed.  it was still important to us as american citizens.  it was still the primary redeeming facet of this capitalist society, i believe at core and also in the social system which is our international world.  the difference is today it is not being broken, it is being thrown out.  the country i grew up in is gone.  hopefully not irrevocably, but gone.

and really though i do digress, this last point is crucially important to this post.

the real tragedy of 9-11 was its success.  it has destroyed the social fabric of our society with extraordinary success.

i remember the morning after 9-11 i called my mother.  my mother is not someone i ordinary seek out for emotional comfort.  i called her to express my fear and uncertainty.  she told me about the attack on pearl harbor and what it was like for her as a young woman to experience that.  the call was very grounding for me.  we'd been through this as a nation before.  we would survive.

it's also a striking memory for me that i spent hours watching a president i detested talk about us as a people and drew comfort there as well.

so where am i going now?  yes, i believe 9-11 is the greatest tragedy of modern america.  i believe the social consequences we are experiencing are the beginning of a terrible, tragic, self-destructive response for which we will experience a fallout for many decades to come.

i believe freedom is something we have to fight for, something we have to take great risks to maintain.

i believe in order not to give up on the life blood of liberty, we have to maintain hope in the face of great evil.  i don't mean "evil-doers" in the sense that it was bandied about to foster this horrible political agenda of modern times.  i mean the great evil inside each of us.

i believe we have to face the future with a sense of determination and hope and not lose our sense of the value of personal liberty and compassion even in the face of suffocating darkness.

it's hang on to that tiny raft in the middle of the worst storm on the darkest night, or perish, individually and as a society.

keep the faith alive, even when doubt overwhelms us.  please.  it takes great courage and strength.  i know.  i also know it's possible for each and every one of us.  find the compassion and just do it.

if i can keep putting one foot in front of the other in the face of the storms of my life, if i can find the stamina to keep going, every one of us can do better.  the human capacity to survive and attempt to thrive in the face of terrible adversity is truly one of our most remarkable traits.

take it a day at a time.  never forget.  forgive, if you can, but never forget.  and most importantly never forget what's truly important.  i can't dictate what that is for you, but i know what it is for me.  read the first chapter of "beyond good and evil."

persist and pass it on.  whatever dark days may lay ahead, if we don't give up, there is hope.  reflect on our past and current actions and give our youngsters courage and vision.  the cold war robbed us of true vision in favor of fear of the future and resulting self-indulgence.  look at history; look at what we've already overcome.  it's so important to look at what true heroism involves and aspire to at least some of it.

be a hero for our future.  persist, and pass it on.